Am I still infertile? Was I ever?

Has this week passed slowly or what?  I am anxiously waiting Monday’s u/s.  I truly believe there is more than one in there because my body is responding much quicker to this pg than it has to my last pg.  (But maybe that is how it is for second pregnancies?)  I feel my uterus already, it is painful to lie on my stomach or have Iz lie on my stomach.  I am having problems sleeping because it is uncomfie.  Please let it be a single!!!

Iz was jumping on me last week and I told her to stop, that I have a baby in my tummy and she might hurt it.  “A baby in your tummy? Can I see it?” she asked pullig up my shirt.  I thought she would forget it in the way of her normal 3 year old self, but she has brought it up several times when we are playing around and tickling in the evenings.  Last night I told her that she would be a big sister and she said “Thank you mommy, thank you, thank you” and gave me a big hug.  Isn’t that the sweetest?

Another question that I have been pondering is if I am still (or ever really was) infertile.  I was briefly posting on an infertility board (the IUI section) and enjoying reading about everyone’s struggles.  It was great to feel like I was part of the community and there were other people going through the same testing/procedures as I was.  But now that I got a BFP, and only after 1 month of IUI, I don’t feel like I can post there anymore.  I still feel like I am not a “real” infertile, but a subfertile or a slow fertile which is irritating since I dont’ fit in anywhere.  When I get pg on the first IUI, it isn’t the same sense of accomplishment or celebration as someone who went through 6 IUI or 16 or was TTC for 5 years.  However, I dont’ fit in with the people who can get pregnant easily and on their own either.

<>I will update Monday as soon as I know anything!

Back with numbers

We got back from FL yesterday after a very short trip to visit Mike’s family. It was a nice visit, they kept us busy and would barely let us out of their site. We stayed at a hotel this time because there house is small and I sometimes need a little privacy and separation from the over-loud TV. We told them another reason we were staying at the hotel was to let Iz play in the pool, she loves the pool. So they went out and bought a big inflatable pool which Iz loved and kept us at their house quite late (we couldn’t let her into the pool until after 6:30, it was too friggen hot.)

The day we left I had a blood test to check the hcg levels and they were 3424, almost exactly average for Day 23 of a singlton pregnancy. (Check out this data base.) I had my second test today which will hopefully show the proper increase. Our first u/s is next Monday (8/20) to make sure there is just one in there. After the u/s, if all goes well, I think we will finally feel this is going to happen and can start telling people and making plans.
Someone asked in comments if I still disliked my RE after getting a positive HPT. The answer is a resounding YES. The man had little to do with my care or treatment and has not seen me once since our initial “get to know you” chat in his office. If he has had any input into our case, his comments have come through the nurses which makes it very difficult to ask questions in response. So I don’t like him and wouldn’t recommend him (though my feeligns toward his nurses are quite affectionate.) My opinion on the subject is moot, though, since he is the only RE in a 100 mile radius and if we ever need infertility treatment again, we would probably use him unless someone else moves to town.

I will update later with the new hcg level.

UPDATE: 20228 with a seperation of 5 days. That gives a doubling rate of 1.95 days, pretty perfect, but now we are at the median value for multiple pregnancies at 28 days. Hmmm, can’t wait for the u/s!

WOOHOOO!!!

Sorry if I kept anyone anxiously waiting, the results are in and I am, for the moment, pregnant!  We are sooo happy, and so very lucky, I was sure we wouldn’t get a positive result with our first IUI.
The reason I haven’t written is because I have been on travel for 2 weeks.  We leave again tomorrow to visit Mike’s family, then when we return, school stuff with start for me.

Because I have been out of town, we haven’t had a blood test done or anything.  I go in tomorrow for the first beta, then I will go back after we get back from FL.  The first u/s will be the week following (the week of August 20).  Until we see a single heartbeat, we won’t be resting easy.  Until then, I am counting our many blessing.

More on my funny trip and stressful test taking when I get back from FL.  Thanks for the emails/comments!

day 3

Here we go. We have decided to do an IUI cycle this month and everything started today. (Well, except my period which started on Tuesday.) I went in and had 7 (!!!) gigantic vials of blood drawn then a va.ginal u/s (while on my period, pretty gross!) Everything looked normal with regards to linings and ovaries. They will get my blood work back this afternoon and call with a go-ahead on the clomid if everything looks ok. I have to go back for another u/s on Day 12, then IUI on Day 14 then the 2ww. If we don’t get pg, I will start my period while on travel to DC which means next months Day 3 blood work will have to be done elsewhere (something my nurse was a little peeved about for some reason). Meanwhile, i am eating everything in site and blaming on my period but it is probably more the stress and depression lurking at the edges of this whole procedure.

UPDATE: I got the ok to start clomid.  I will go back to the doc on Day 11 (next Friday).

“moderate to severe”

infertility, that is. Well, we have a diagnosis. The doc didn’t think it was impossible for us to get pg on our own, just harder (her odds were at 25%). She has a couple more tests that I should do, then she will refer us to an RE. She says she can’t do anything to help us get pg.

It wasn’t good news, but it was what we expected. At least we have a diagnosis.

update on structure and baby-making

We finished the play structure!  Pictures up on our family blog.

I called my doc on Friday to get the results of my tube test.  I did this at the prompting of my friend who said “just call and hear everything is fine, then you won’t have to worry about it.”  I had an appt to talk to my doc again on May 15 after  the next 2 blood tests.   My doc’s nurse called back on Monday morning and said the doctor wanted me to come in to discuss my test results.  (Insert scary music here).  It can’t be good.  If it was good, they would have told me over the phone or sent me a postcard, like I get from my paps every year.  My appt it tomorrow at 4.

<>The best we can hope for is “Your tubes are irregular, we should run more tests.”  The worst would be “You are INFERTILE, you are SO INFERTILE, you are crazy to think you could have children!   You will never have biological children again!”  Of course I don’t think my obgyn would make that diagnosis, she would send me to an RE to tell me such things.  So I guess the worst case is her shipping me off to the local RE.  I think we only have one in this town.  A lot of people go to birmingham, about 1.5 hours away.

I find myself more open to the thought of IVF this time around.   It almost becomes a cost issue for us.  If it is cover my insurance, I think we would give it at least one try to see if I can deal with the constant meds and poking and prodding.   If it isn’t, then I still don’t know.

I am trying not to go down that road and have been keeping myself busy other ways, like averaging grades and getting all our finances into order.  Tonight I plan to play with Iz and weed for as long as there is light.

On an unrelated note, I am kicking butt in my sistah’s exercise challenge!  I need to keep it up to maintain my hearty lead!  I think Mike and I are going to do the couch potatoe to 5 k program again.

the tube test

I had it yesterday.  The results were mixed.  My tubes are open, the dye flowed right through them.  However, they were dilated (swollen like sausages).  The radiologist just mentioned this almost in passing and said “the good news is that your tubes are open and that is really what we look for in this test.”  With regards to the dilation, one of the tubes was dilated all along its length, the other one was dilated about 20% of its length.    Dr. google says that dilation can be caused by infection  and that the water trapped in the tubes contain toxins that make the uterus a more hostile place.  It said IVF was a common “treatment” and most women get the tubes removed to increase success rates.

Well, I know I shouldn’t listen to dr. google.  Most of the pages I found were about dilated and blocked fallopian tubes (the tubes being swollen shut).  Maybe mine aren’t dilate much?  Maybe  there are other options than ivf?

How did my tubes get dilated?  It seems the common causes are stds.  To my knowledge, I have never had an std.  Would I know?  Are there stds out there that cause no symptoms and don’t show up yearly paps?  The other main cause is abdominal surgery.  I did have open heart when I was a baby and they opened my chest to my belly button.  Maybe this  could have been from the first pregnancy (remember the infected uterus while I was in labor causing an emergency c-section)?  But now I am thinking this caused the infection.

Anyway, mixed results.  Before we started this process I told Mike that I “just wanted to know if anything was wrong.”  Well, now I don’t know if I really did want to know.

structure update

After Day 2: We were still on the patio. I know it doesn’t look like a lot for 2 days of work (2 hours /day) but each of those hex bolts taks about 5 minutes to get in.

On Day 3 we dug this hole to set the structure in. The depth of the hole at the farthest point is about 6 inches:

The structure in its permanent place after Day 4. We had to put it in, take it out and level, put it back, take it out and fill. It was a long process.

The amazing thing? It is actually level! Now we can hopefully speed up and get the next part (building!) going. Of course, I have to be at work all weekend. Sunday afternoon will be the next time we work on it.

On the infertility front, I went to the a doc last week and she schedule 3 tests for me (2 blood and the tubal dye test). Those tests will be over in a month then we see where we stand.

I can’t drink from a bowl

<>After a very depressed Saturday morning, I pulled it together and had a fairly nice weekend (though rainy) with Mike and Iz. Iz took off this morning with Mom for a week and while she is away, we will be building a play structure in our backyard for her 3rd birthday. I can’t wait till it is done! Mainly because there are a bazillian pieces piled up in my garage right now with over 2000 screws, I can’t imagine how long it will take us to get it together.I went to the market last night and bought a lot of food to get us through the week. After reading VJ’s impressive bloodwork results, I am thinking of giving ETL another try. We loaded up on veggies (and more veggies, and more veggies) and fruit and beans. For lunch, I brought minestrone soup, hummus with carrots and cauliflower, a bowl of berries and a back of low fat microwave popcorn. I like having lots of little “meals” that I can eat separately if needed.

I just ate my soup and realized, as I reached the bottom of the bowl, that I can not bring myself to drink the dregs from the bowl. I will spoon as much of the broth as I can, but after that, I just have to leave it. The same goes for cereal.

still here, still not pregnant

I had a moment of clarity last week. My brother and his wife had a child, a baby boy. We were trying to get pregnant several months before they started trying. They got pg the first month they tried and they just had a baby. Here we are, over a year later, still trying, still not pregnant, still at least 9 months away from another baby. As Iz and I get older, my patience for this process (slim to begin with) is waning. I am supposed to see a doc next week. I am just seeing my obgyn, a doc who I have only seen once in the past and who I don’t even like and won’t use if I ever get pregnant. I didn’t know who else to call, I just hope she can point me in the way of a specialist.

Am I infertile yet? Can this sad heart finally join the club of infertility? When we went through this the first time, when I finally crossed the year of trying and made the doctor’s appt, I remember thinking, and being almost happy about it, “I am infertile, I belong to a group of people now, I can bitch and moan about being infertile and how much it sucks.” I started posting on an infertility board and finally felt like I was part of the bigger community. Then of course we get pregnant the next month and my hard won membership was quickly revoked (it was a bad scene on the board too, totally my fault). Now I am knocking on the same door again.

So doc next week, then we’ll see.